On The Night I Met Your Mother

Dear Blue and Wheels,

The night I met your mother, it was Halloween. I took the kids from the group home out trick or treating. One of them was dressed as a vampire. He decided he was going to scare people, but he was a really short, 17 year old vampire who decided he was going to scare other really short people. These people, when not in costume, were called children. We told him no, but he persisted. Then he decided to scare one little girl by hiding behind a bush and jumping out at her as she came back to the sidewalk. Her escort was not pleased. He barked angrily at the really short teenage vampire and the the really short teenage vampire jumped back in fright.

Man, I thought. That dude sounds angry. He sounds just like that one time Roy from The Office finds out Jim is in love with Pam and assaults him at the office.

Then I look over, and there’s Roy from The Office, yelling at the really short teenage vampire.

Then a few hours later I met your mother for the first time.

It was a memorable night.

-Dad

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How it should have ended 

Dear Blue and Wheels,

Tonight during story time I read you the board book version of A Bug’s Life. It was half dissolved from saliva, but it was only 4 pages so we got through it without much trouble. 

Telling an entire movie in 4 pages condenses most of the plot points. In summary, it’s “The grasshoppers are mean to the ants. The ants hired circus bugs to help. The bugs built a giant bird to scare the grasshoppers away. It worked. The ants are happy.  Hooray! The end.”

When I finished, Blue, you considered the solution presented to getting rid of the grasshopper, turned to me thoughtfully and asked, “Why not lasers?”

Indeed,why not?

Memory #957: The Thin Line Between G And K


Dear Blue,

You like to talk. This is not a surprise since you’re a toddler and you try on words like they’re clothes at a thrift store. And you don’t let insignificant annoyances like pronunciation hinder you from trying to communicate to anyone and everything. It’s admirable. If we somehow manage to get you through this stage and you still attack the English language with no shame to your game, we’ve won. We have won.

Right now, we’re in the game, and that means helping you figure out how to get your tongue and your brain on the same linguistic page.

For instance, you have trouble pronouncing FR. It comes out like FUH. Also, you usually pronounce G as K.

This led to a situation  at the zoo. We were heading down the hill to your favorite exhibit, LAIR. Like most boys, you like your animals creepy, crawly and slimy. I mean, you really like them.

As soon as we entered, you ripped your hand out of mine and went catapulting across the room towards a glass window and behind it, a mossy log. As you went, you started yelling “F@*K! F@*K! F@*K!”as you pointed emphatically at the glass. Parents gasped. Kids gave ground. Who was this little kid who spoke so foully? Where did he learn such filth? And where were his parents?

Right here, prudes. And no, we’re not going to correct him.

He really like his FROGS.

You’re my boy, Blue.

-Dad