Dear Bear (formerly Wheels) and Blue,
Scenario: Your adorable son or daughter is at the tail end of a fiber unloading session when they yell DADDA I HAVE AN EMERGENCY!
What? You say. What is it? You’re thinking it might be there’s no more toilet paper or something else not qualifying of the title emergency but still understandable.
DADDA I DROPPED MY SEASHELL.
In the toilet?
And you don’t want to look. Every instinct except the parental one is telling you NOT to look, but Dad Mode Override kicks in and there you are, looking at a handheld conch shell firmly entrenched in between a triple scoop of Cleveland Brown.
And you have to get this seashell. There no choice. Not only does it have sentimental value after being plucked from Pismo Beach on a trip, but who knows what damage a conch shell could do to sewage pipes once it gets flushed on a return journey to the beach.
No. You got to go fishing. But how? With what? Think of a solution. Because this situation, which is entirely hypothetical and not at all real, because that’s just too gross to even think about, could happen to you one day.
Just think about it.
Dear Blue and Wheels,
What’s wrong with the world is when you go to the zoo and you’re there really early and you go straight to the back of the zoo to see this apex predator of the Himalayas, this alpine assassin, and it’s out. Its out and it’s climbing up trees. Bounding over rocks. Eating a mouse! A mouse!
The air is chlorine swimming pool blue. The wind is rattling the tops of the trees. It’s just us and a snow leopard. And it’s perfect.
Then some other family comes up and the mother yells out, HEY LOOK AT THAT CHEETAH! VHEY CHEETAH! HEY WILL LOOK AT THE CHEETAH!” She says all this as she walks right by the sign that says snow leopard.
LOOK AT THE CHEETAH!
That’s what’s wrong with the world.
Dear Blue and Wheels,
The night I met your mother, it was Halloween. I took the kids from the group home out trick or treating. One of them was dressed as a vampire. He decided he was going to scare people, but he was a really short, 17 year old vampire who decided he was going to scare other really short people. These people, when not in costume, were called children. We told him no, but he persisted. Then he decided to scare one little girl by hiding behind a bush and jumping out at her as she came back to the sidewalk. Her escort was not pleased. He barked angrily at the really short teenage vampire and the the really short teenage vampire jumped back in fright.
Man, I thought. That dude sounds angry. He sounds just like that one time Roy from The Office finds out Jim is in love with Pam and assaults him at the office.
Then I look over, and there’s Roy from The Office, yelling at the really short teenage vampire.
Then a few hours later I met your mother for the first time.
It was a memorable night.