We’re having bonding time right now. For your mother and you, this happens almost every hour. You cry, she goes to nurse, and fllluuuurrrp…you’re latched on to her with a vacuum seal. Then you eat and eat and eat. Afterwards, you stare off into space, dazed and milk drunk while I burp you. The final step of the process is when you tense up every little baby muscle in your baby body and poop without abandon.
Pooping, however, is not quite the most accurate description of the thing you do, Blue. Adults, we poop. We sit on a porcelain seat, quietly and discretely expel our waste, and then clean up after ourselves. That’s pooping. What you do is explode methane grenades in your colon. The resulting splatter on your Pampers looks like a very fresh Jackson Pollack painting, and on at least two occasions, I’ve seen you levitate for a brief second from the resulting aftershock of your massive toots.
Your mother, she gets to bond with you while you feed.
Me? I get to bond with you on the flip side.
I think that’s about right, considering I didn’t have to carry you for ten months.
The Best of Blue’s Golden Showers, 3 Weeks In
After a mere 3 weeks of life, you already have some legendary diaper changing sessions, Blue. I’m sure you’ll have many more, if not for quality than definitely for quantity. And because I’m your father, and because life wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t regale your teenage self with stories about how I used to wipe your daily hot browns off your balls, I’m writing down the 3 best moments thus far so I don’t forget.
Here we go, in order:
#3. The variety pack
This one happened two weeks ago late at night. Your mother fed you, and a half hour later, it was my turn to change you after you made a deposit. Little did I know that you weren’t done when I began to change you. In fact, you had just begun. As I wiped your bottom down, your little body gave a shudder and seemingly out of nowhere, another little poopsicle materialized and dropped down onto your diaper. As I began to wipe this new addition up, you then decided to take aim and shoot a stream or urine right at my face. Luckily, I had a wipe handy and judo chop blocked the stream just in time. Undeterred, you then tilted your head and spit some of your mother’s milk down your chin. Finally, as I scrambled to open another container of wipes, you sneezed hard twice to close the deal. In less than a minute, you managed to expel fluid from 5 of your 9 orifices. As I stood there in the aftermath, exhausted and worn down, I couldn’t help but be impressed with that efficiency, Blue.
#2 The golden rainbow
Of all your moments, Blue, this one had the most artistry. It’s a well-known fact that boys love to wait until AFTER their diaper is removed to pee. I don’t know why this is but maybe it’s kind of like unkinking a hose. All that pressure just builds up and has to go out.
Usually, your amber streams go wild, spraying everywhere just like that hose. I corral them with a wipe to minimize the damage and then clean up afterwards. No biggie.
This time, however, you let loose with your trademark post-diaper pee but instead of it flying around wildly, the stream went in an elegant arc, like a little golden rainbow, right over your head before hitting the end of the changing table.
Forgetting that it was urine for just a second, this was quite a beautiful little moment, and we both sat there, transfixed by your artistry, Blue. You actually tracked it for a second, proudly watching your creation sail harmlessly over your head. Thankfully, I cut off the rainbow before any little bits found their way to your face.
#1 Nasal irrigation
Of course, I haven’t always been quick enough to stop those little bits of pee from going where they shouldn’t, Blue. In fact, your most memorable diaper change is your very first one in the hospital.
Your mother and I had just returned our room after spending the night in the recovery wing. After a few hours of relative quiet, you awoke chanting out “Change me! Change me!” It wasn’t exactly that, but even to our untrained ears, we knew what you wanted. So I cracked my knuckles and got to the business of changing my first diaper. Not just my first diaper on you, Blue. My first diaper ever.
I put you on the changing table, carefully removed your swaddling blanket, undid your onesie and then removed your diaper. As I lifted your legs up to wipe your bottom, you let loose with a pee. It was a concentrated shot, not even a stream. For a brief second, it looked like one of those choreographed fountains at malls, where little bursts of water skip across the pond, landing in precise locations each and every time. Your little pee bullet was like that, except the place where it decided to land was right up your left nostril.
“Uh honey…” I said, my voice heavy with shame as I turned to your mother. “Our son just peed on his own face.”
Panic quickly followed as we set about cleaning up the mess. Thankfully, I don’t think you actually gave yourself a nasal spray but it was close. The nurse, who was standing right there when it happened, didn’t seem overly concerned and said these sort of things happen all the time. You would be fine. Sure enough, a few minutes later, you were clean and dry and happy as a baked clam under the heat lamp of the changing table.
So there you have it, Blue. Your top 3…so far. No doubt you already have more tricks up your milk stained sleeves, but as your grandmother will surely tell you someday, it’s better to be pissed off than to be pissed on. I hope you realize this soon. It will make our little bonding moments go much smoother. Not to mention drier.