Paternity Leave: Well, we’ve made it this far.


Dear Blue,

You and I have spent the last two days together. We will spend many more together in the near future, since I have the month of July off from school and you are not yet a productive member of society. We party hard, you and I, and I intend to chronicle that party.

Whenever you read these letters, the purpose is two fold, Blue. One, I want you to know something about yourself and your family. Two, I want you to learn something important about life. Maybe more than one something, but I don’t presume to think my pontifications on poop are all that profound.

I also hope by reading this that you never become one of those people that talks about being a father doing for a day what mothers do for much longer and says, “I had no idea it would be this hard.”

Here’s a life lesson, Blue: Men that talk like that are idiots.

Think about it for a second. Any other animal, let’s say a horse…momma gives birth to her colt. Pretty much right away, the colt figures out how to walk and be dumb and pretty. And there, they’re a horse.  That’s pretty much every other animal on this planet when it comes to the raising their young. Except for us. Human babies come out not knowing how to do anything. So parents have to teach them how to be human beings. How to walk and eat and everything else. But that’s only part of it, because parents also have to teach their little human beings how to be people.

So, all that being said, I had no idea it would be this hard, Blue.

It’s not just another job. It’s a new life, and your old one is gone.

Illustration: Today, I needed to go to the bathroom. So I fastened you into your cute little bouncy chair with the bunny ears and sat you in the doorway. Then I proceeded to watch you as you watched me take a dump. For a minute, everything was cool. I guess, though, at five months, you’re really big into mirroring. So as I took care of my business, you started some of yours. It came out in a torrent, flooding out from your diaper like one of those mudslides that levels houses. I weighed you after and you were a pound lighter. Honest.

This is our life together, Blue. Today you mirrored me pooping, because you’re a person. Not a horse.

Tomorrow we’re going to work on that whole sitting up thing.




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