The Dread of the Snot Sucker

snotsucker

Dear Blue,

 

In this post, I am making it my goal to say the word suck (1) as many times as possible.

 

For example, for the past week you have had a cold, and it sucks. (2) You can’t breathe through the mucus plugging your nose, which means you can’t sleep, which means we can’t sleep, which means we are going delirious, as well as getting sick ourselves. It sucks. (3) It sucks (4) something awful.

 

You can’t tell us what the problem is, and we can’t tell you to blow your nose to clear the snot and breathe easier. So instead, we have to literally suck (5) the snot right out of your nose. At first, we tried using a bulb syringe but then we found out the inside of one of those is the perfect incubator for mold. So, nope. Then we just tried sucking (6) it out with our mouths directly, but that didn’t seem to work either. Plus, ew gross.

 

Finally, we found this wonderful little device called the NoseFrida. It’s basically a vacuum cleaner for your nose. One end goes in your nostril and the other goes in our mouth. Then we inhale, and whoosh, the sudden pull of air sucks (7) out the snot. A filter protects our germs from you, and vice versa. Genuis little device, that NoseFrida.

 

There’s an old aborigine belief that when someone snapped a picture of them, then part of their soul was stolen. I think you might believe the same thing about the NoseFrida, because every time you see it, your saucer eyeballs become buffet plates, your heartbeat pumps up, and you try to scramble away off the edge of the bed. We hold you down and your mom sucks (8) out as much snot as she can while you scream so loud it shakes the window. The neighbors next door must think we’re performing an exorcism.

 

Call it human nature, but there’s always this thrill to see “our catch.” Usually, it’s just a little string of foamy booger, but every once in awhile…every once in a while we hit what they like to call “pay dirt.” We suck (9) out snot longer than spaghetti noodles. Snot so long it must be attached to the bottom of your brain. It’s amazing how much of it can be packed up in that cute little nose of yours.

 

I hope this is over soon. Because what usually ends up happening is that you cry so hard after the NoseFrida that you clog up your sinuses with tear snot, and in a little bit, you need it cleared out again because you’re having trouble breathing out your nose.

 

Sucks (10), right?

 

Yes it does.

 

-Dad

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