What’s wrong with the world

Dear Blue and Wheels,

What’s wrong with the world is when you go to the zoo and you’re there really early and you go straight to the back of the zoo to see this apex predator of the Himalayas, this alpine assassin, and it’s out. Its out and it’s climbing up trees. Bounding over rocks. Eating a mouse! A mouse!

The air is chlorine swimming pool blue. The wind is rattling the tops of the trees. It’s just us and a snow leopard. And it’s perfect.

Then some other family comes up and the mother yells out, HEY LOOK AT THAT CHEETAH! VHEY CHEETAH! HEY WILL LOOK AT THE CHEETAH!” She says all this as she walks right by the sign that says snow leopard.


That’s what’s wrong with the world.



On The Night I Met Your Mother

Dear Blue and Wheels,

The night I met your mother, it was Halloween. I took the kids from the group home out trick or treating. One of them was dressed as a vampire. He decided he was going to scare people, but he was a really short, 17 year old vampire who decided he was going to scare other really short people. These people, when not in costume, were called children. We told him no, but he persisted. Then he decided to scare one little girl by hiding behind a bush and jumping out at her as she came back to the sidewalk. Her escort was not pleased. He barked angrily at the really short teenage vampire and the the really short teenage vampire jumped back in fright.

Man, I thought. That dude sounds angry. He sounds just like that one time Roy from The Office finds out Jim is in love with Pam and assaults him at the office.

Then I look over, and there’s Roy from The Office, yelling at the really short teenage vampire.

Then a few hours later I met your mother for the first time.

It was a memorable night.


How it should have ended 

Dear Blue and Wheels,

Tonight during story time I read you the board book version of A Bug’s Life. It was half dissolved from saliva, but it was only 4 pages so we got through it without much trouble. 

Telling an entire movie in 4 pages condenses most of the plot points. In summary, it’s “The grasshoppers are mean to the ants. The ants hired circus bugs to help. The bugs built a giant bird to scare the grasshoppers away. It worked. The ants are happy.  Hooray! The end.”

When I finished, Blue, you considered the solution presented to getting rid of the grasshopper, turned to me thoughtfully and asked, “Why not lasers?”

Indeed,why not?