How it should have ended 

Dear Blue and Wheels,

Tonight during story time I read you the board book version of A Bug’s Life. It was half dissolved from saliva, but it was only 4 pages so we got through it without much trouble. 

Telling an entire movie in 4 pages condenses most of the plot points. In summary, it’s “The grasshoppers are mean to the ants. The ants hired circus bugs to help. The bugs built a giant bird to scare the grasshoppers away. It worked. The ants are happy.  Hooray! The end.”

When I finished, Blue, you considered the solution presented to getting rid of the grasshopper, turned to me thoughtfully and asked, “Why not lasers?”

Indeed,why not?

Memory #957: The Thin Line Between G And K


Dear Blue,

You like to talk. This is not a surprise since you’re a toddler and you try on words like they’re clothes at a thrift store. And you don’t let insignificant annoyances like pronunciation hinder you from trying to communicate to anyone and everything. It’s admirable. If we somehow manage to get you through this stage and you still attack the English language with no shame to your game, we’ve won. We have won.

Right now, we’re in the game, and that means helping you figure out how to get your tongue and your brain on the same linguistic page.

For instance, you have trouble pronouncing FR. It comes out like FUH. Also, you usually pronounce G as K.

This led to a situation  at the zoo. We were heading down the hill to your favorite exhibit, LAIR. Like most boys, you like your animals creepy, crawly and slimy. I mean, you really like them.

As soon as we entered, you ripped your hand out of mine and went catapulting across the room towards a glass window and behind it, a mossy log. As you went, you started yelling “F@*K! F@*K! F@*K!”as you pointed emphatically at the glass. Parents gasped. Kids gave ground. Who was this little kid who spoke so foully? Where did he learn such filth? And where were his parents?

Right here, prudes. And no, we’re not going to correct him.

He really like his FROGS.

You’re my boy, Blue.

-Dad

Moment #791: May The Force Be With Poop

star wars lego stormtrooper

Dear Blue and Wheels,

We are a Star Wars family.

I’m currently watching The Force Awakens for the fifth time since buying it last week. Rey is Luke’s daughter, by the way. I know this after sifting through the “clues”, which will seem obvious to you in the future. It’s kind of obvious now, but Disney thinks they’re being clever by not saying it yet.

Coupling that with the release of the Rogue One trailer, I’ve been humming the theme music pretty much whenever I can. It’s catchy, easy to hum, and helps tamp down the fumes attacking my nostrils during a changing session.

One time, during a particularly noxious diaper change, I did not hum the theme music because it didn’t occur to me. You grab my hand as I go to pull off your pull-up diaper, Blue, you shake your head and say, “Dun, duh, duh, dadda,” which I immediately and correctly translated as, “Slow your roll, dad. You need to get to humming the Force Theme so we can do this right.”

I did, and you squealed with delight, Blue.

This was a moment in time.

Wheels, your name was almost Jedi. That moment passed us, thankfully.

-Dad