The Most Ultra-est Ultrasound Ever


Dear Blue,

We saw you for the first time last Monday. When I say that, I don’t mean it literally. Modern technology is pretty modern and awesome, so we saw you for the first time back in July. That was the first ultrasound, and it was ultra awesome because there you were, real and impossibly funny and with that hummingbird heartbeat going a zillion miles an hour all on its own, excitedly alive.

On Monday, though, we SAW you, Blue. Like, you know, in the Avatar kind of way. And you have had me grinning from ear to ear ever since. Here’s why.

We went down to the radiology lab at 8:30 at night after grabbing a fat stack of Italian food at a local Silver Lake establishment. In order to make everything go smoothly, your mother was required to drink 32 ounces of water one hour before the test. This proved to be a challenge, as that is quite a bit of water and doesn’t exactly want to stay where you put it. Strategically, we waited until the very last second to chug those 32 ounces. We barely made it. Your mom was about to burst as we walked along the lake, but she held it in. She wanted to see you real bad.

At the lab, they took your mom back to do “the boring stuff” while I waited in the lobby. When they finally called me back there an hour later, the technician was behind frazzled, muttering “Oh your boy…He’s naughty…”

It’s not supposed to take an hour, Blue. You were stubborn, with your head wedged into the corner of your mother’s uterus so that they couldn’t get a proper picture. To my surprise, when I got in there, your mother wasn’t frustrated at all. In fact, she was laughing, her eyes twinkling with mischief.

“Mike, guess what your son just did.”

“Tell me.”

So she did. And it made me proud to be your father.

From what I can tell, ultrasound technicians are an odd bunch. They’re the medical equivalent of archaeologists. Sure, every once in a while they make some great discoveries that excite the world, but by and large, they’re sifting through dirt with a toothbrush. Ultrasound might seem exciting, but that’s only because the average person sees “the cool stuff.” A lot of it is sifting through dirt with a toothbrush, and my guess is this sort of dynamic makes a person slightly kooky, or it attracts the slightly kooky to begin with.

Gloria was slightly, endearingly kooky. She talked to you as she glided the camera over your mother’s belly, telling you “Good job” when you did the right thing or “Don’t do that!’ when you didn’t. At first, everything went fine. She got pictures of your fingers (All ten! Great!), your toes (ditto) and backbone. But then came that stubborn dome of yours, and she just couldn’t get an accurate read. She prodded your mother’s belly, applied about a pitcher full of that gel, but still…nothing. Finally, she got frustrated and scolded you, saying “You’re such a bad boy!”

Even though this was scheduled to be the ultrasound where we found out your gender, we already knew through a chromosome test. If I could change that, I would, because what you did next would be the best gender reveal ever.

After she said, “You’re such a bad boy!”, Gloria lightly slapped your mother’s belly. In effect, she spanked you. And then she told you to turn your head so she could see you. Immediately after, you turned. But instead of presenting your cranium to the camera, you decided it was best to announce to us you were, in fact, a boy.

You teabagged the camera, Blue. Straight up, with no shame to your game.

On the screen, in stark x-ray black and white, sat your boys, as clear as the full moon outside. Gloria sat up stiffly in shock, gasped and said she had never seen that in all her years of doing ultrasounds. And you held it.

It took another hour, a few laps around the radiology lab, toe touches, and a walk up the hill to the main hospital to get you to maneuver into a decent position to get a picture of your brain, and even then, it wasn’t good enough. We have to go back again in a week.

I’ll do it gladly, even if it because you’re stubborn and “extremely difficult” as the report said. Good.

There are times when you have to do what you’re told, Blue. Sometimes, you don’t. The real trick in life is trying to figure out which rules are in place to benefit you, and which ones benefit others. It takes some people most of their lives to figure out the difference. Most people, even when they know the difference, are still so used to following rules they can’t NOT follow them. You know why? Because not following the rules sometimes means standing up to rulemakers and saying, “No, I don’t accept that for myself.” Believe it or not, it’s scary to show the world your balls.

And at -5 months, you already have, Blue. Couldn’t be prouder.



Dear Blue,

Welcome to the world. If you’re reading this, awesome! That means you survived to at least the first grade and your mother or myself didn’t do anything too stupid like letting you take an ipad into the shower or leaving you in the car for a quick run of pizza rolls at Ralph’s.

We have a lot to share with you. But for now, I just wanted to say, on behalf of your mother and myself, welcome to the world, dude. It became a much more interesting and beautiful place with you added in the mix.