We built your crib this weekend. Every time I pulled out a new plank of wood from the box, there were these weird red stains. Huh..my stupid brain thought. Those strange patches of wood finish sure look like blood. Huh, what do you know! It was! I must have cut my hand on the scissors or the box. I don’t know. Never will. I removed all the evidence of the accident, except for one dried and bloody thumbprint hidden underneath the mattress board. You know, in case anyone ever tries to switch cribs on us.
It took us awhile to find the right crib. A lot goes in to deciding which one will make the best safety prison for your child. When we finally did, we ordered the crib online and shipped it to the closest Wal-Mart. One problem. When I went to pick it up, the box was clearly too big for my car. So I went back to the house to get your mother’s car, and based on vague measurements with a rain stick, it was too small as well. So we had to get your uncle David to help us with his cavernous SUV.
Then we had to build the thing. I dreaded this step. Of all the things I try to emulate from Jesus, carpentry is probably the one that needs the most work. For example, when your mother and I moved in to the apartment, we bought four things from IKEA: two bookshelves, a dresser, and a tv cabinet. Four items took SEVEN days, and a sprained toe, to assemble. Probably would have been six if I didn’t have to redo the tv cabinet after putting on a shelf backwards.
The crib took approximately two hours to assemble. Once again, your uncle David had to help in order to prevent any further injuries.
There a few key lessons to learn from this, Blue.
1. Never shop at IKEA. It’s terrible. Most everything there is nothing but overpriced, high end cardboard. To make matters worse, you don’t save any money by buying their cardboard and you have to assemble everything yourself. It’d be like a t-shirt company selling you yarn. Sounds terrible right? Apparently not, because every weekend the place is complete chaos, one precarious Swedish meatball shortage away from becoming the grocery store scene in World War Z. (Hope that reference still makes sense. Zombies were cool when you were born, Blue.)
2. Mark everything you own in blood. Don’t trust technology. Bury gold in your backyard, etc.
3. Some rules might be made to be broken. Instructions to assemble furniture are not some of these rules. Seriously, Blue. Know the size of boxes before you try to fit them in your car. Know that cardboard can cut you. Know your nuts. Know your bolts. Know that the headboard (A) has wood screw holes on the right side of the board while the footboard (B) has them on the left. This is all really important. That’s why I left the bloody thumbprint. To remind you that there is wisdom in knowing what rules can be broken, which can be bent, and which have to be followed to the strictest letter of the law.